Mo

A Poem?

2008-07-27T02:39:55Z

And then today..
A sad and rainy, summer day...

What a Beautiful World, I See

2008-06-07T02:43:47Z

amazing movies can have amazing effects (not special effects), effects on me. i'm in a constant state of think. i don't know whether i'm happy, sad, angry, or indifferent, and i don't even know that i care. i'm a little confused by mind sometimes, it seems to go faster than i do. i know that occasionally it can hurt or elate and when that happens i react. i'd like to get it on paper, physically or electronically, before i forget whatever it is that's going on in my mind, whether i know what it is or not.

hm. breathe. i just watched a movie, a canadian movie, it made me cry, very much. now there are so many things that got stirred up inside me. crying always does that. crying always makes me rethink my life, no matter what the reason for crying is. it seems silly really. i'm wondering now whether i'll ever fall in love with the right man, and if i do, if i'll be lucky enough to have him fall in love with me, at the same time.. i wonder whether i'll ever be perfectly content as i am, as my life is. which is a totally ridiculous thing, i know that i'm more or less content at the moment. and, more or less is only a few steps away from perfectly, isn't it? i told you, my mind is a funny thing, and sometimes confusing...

it seems ridiculously shallow that more than half of my conscious thoughts are about sex, love, and a boyfriend. as if the only thing that could possibly make me happy is having a boyfriend, or having a guy in my life whom i could cuddle and fuck as often as i'd like. shallow, shallow, shallow, no? there is so much more to life than sex and holding hands, there's exploring our minds, and the world, and having a home, and food, and a job. having more than enough money to give myself not only a roof and food, but a nice roof, good food, and wine on occasion, if i feel like it. it seems perfectly absurd that i should care about being kissed, more than dinner.

oh, ack. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. god, now i sound like my mother. ack again.

can i blame it on society? is society the reason why we care so much about being beautiful (which means thin and tanned and covered in makeup without looking like we're covered in makeup), why we care so much about having the most handsome man on our arm, and the most worldly looking apartment, even if we've never been on a plane? can i really blame society for that? i think it would make me feel better if i had someone to blame, except...except, we are society, i am society, we all make it, it's not a seperate consciousness apart from ourselves. it is us, all of us. so, damn, i suppose blaming myself doesn't make me feel any better after all. hm..

why do you care? why do i care?

i like to sing. that makes me feel better. it opens up pores in my skin and releases chemicals into my blood, natural chemicals that make me happy. why don't we all sing to the world, i suppose it might make us all feel better.

"it's a beautiful world i see" a line from a song on a commercial, it's been stuck in my head for the last two days. today turned from cloudy to sunny in a matter of minutes, and it's stayed sunny ever since. i enjoyed a glass of white wine on the deck this afternoon, while eating smoked oyster hors d'oeuvres, and reading a book about the confessions of the mother of a serial killer. i was basking in the warm sunlight, reading about crimson enamel.

my hands are cold. i wish joe would call me.

ha, silly girl. i'm still smiling ;) and after all that, my main focus is unaltered. boys, boys, and men.

*shrug*

Tears

2008-04-01T06:07:28Z

Today was a most saddening day. A calm serene morning, with a rocky teary midday, symphonic evening, and devastatingly sad night. I haven't wanted to cry so much in one day as I did today. It seems that after 12pm struck, nothing was going to go right, it was all really hard and stressful and horrible. I did get to the symphony, and Beethoven's 4th and 5th were phenonemal. Then news came for a friend and the night became desperately sad. Too many tears for one day to know. Three women crying for themselves, their own pain, and in one case for the pain of a lost heart and soul. I am wearing a most beautiful black dress with diamondy accents and dancing bangles (maybe not the best idea for a classical music concert, fyi). My hair is curly as if I was born with it, and my mae-up is pretty and pink. I should be smiling ear to ear from that fantastic concert, but I'm not, and I'm sorry, I'm still crying, and angry and stressed and worried and saddened by so much in this world, I don't know what to do. Apparently it's time for bed, I suppose that's a start...

Sing

2008-03-27T00:35:06Z

I start singing, then I start to cry, then I start to laugh...at myself. I'm really just a silly little girl with all those thoughts of my body and my world, my family and my friends, my crushes and my exes..and all the thoughts inbetween. They all swirl around making milky ways in my mind. I get so upset about really little things, things that, in the grand scheme of things is totally insignifigant, and, in the rather not-so-grand scheme of things is, still not something to be really bothered by. However, that silly little girl inside me will cry whenever she remembers the smile on that boys face when he kissed her, and how she'll probably never kiss him again. Then she begins to feel like she'll never kiss anyone again, it's been so long (five months)...then she remembers that she has a little crush on a curly black haired boy from the cafe, he's the chef. she makes excuses to go for meals just to see him. then smiles at him, hoping that he'll magically figure out that she likes him just because she's smiling at him. She dreams about him at night, and thinks about him during the day. She wonders, desperately, what it would (will?) be like to kiss him...but does he like her? does he even notice her? I suppose we'll just have to wait to find out...

I'll keep you updated...

Red Laquered Nails

2007-11-10T01:10:32Z

it's been a wee while...much has happened..the best of which are my beautifully red laquered nails. i'm starting to love being really girly on occasion.. i've started plucking my eyebrows - which is something i havent done since highschool..i've started wearing make-up more often, and i wore pink the other day! dear god, i dont know how/why i even own a pink shirt, but i do and i wore it and i loved it. tomorrow night i'm wearing a short black velvet skirt and a bright red top and black vinyl heels. what has happened to me?! i love it though.. i love that i love to wear heels and look totally girly and also love to wear baggy jeans, mens tshirts and workboots. i must say, i dont look quite as good in both, but i'm definately taking a lot more care in how i look these days, even when wearing mens clothing.

huh.

sometimes i swear i must be losing my mind...it's like the whole world is spinning around me, laughing at me because i cant keep up, it's so frustrating! and i can never figure out how to catch up. i want to tear my hair out, i want to kill someone, i want to cry. i want a hug from someone who really, truly, actually cares..i'm finding that i'm actually mad at someone who i knew would be super super distant, and who most probably wouldn't stick around, i'm actually mad at him..or am i mad at myself for caring an ounce? he said he was going to stay here for the winter, up until then i was detached as, but then i started thinking about things, and then he went away and didnt come back and i'm surprised? fuck that, stupid little girl, you should know better than that. you do know better than that....then why am i upset at all? and why the fuck do i still think of the other guy, that super tall, wonderful guy, who lies and snorts coke. what a winner. but i miss him still. and i shouldn't and i cant, but i do. and i'm going insane and i dont know how to stop it, and i'm freaking out and i'm yelling at my family and i really dont mean to, and fuck me! gah!

...breathe...

i got my wisdom teeth out two and half weeks ago. they got infected, i got dry socket, i went on antibiotics, i finished the antibiotics, and it's still infected, fun, and NOW, it's the holiday weekend, and he was closed today! until monday, so i might be able to see him on tuesday. fuck off, that will be three weeks to the day since i got my teeth out...jjeeebus..

i got tendonitis in my right wrist about a month and a half ago. i couldnt work..i'm still trying to get money from the government for it. which, ha ha, is like pulling teeth. however, while off work, i lost two of my three jobs. and the one job i kept is at a restaurant that's closed for a month...so...after a lot of frustrating tears and thoughts, i've decided that i'm going to be a cleaner on the island...work for myself..hopefully my life will be beautiful by christmas?

hears to hoping...

hm.

2007-07-19T02:37:44Z

hm. I am very peaceful. outside it is foggy and rainy and not too cold. i worked outside and in open indoor places today. that was good. i worked with good people today. that was good also. I dreamt about a forty year old man last night. he's a friend of mine. hm. he likes me very much. he's attractive. i am still uncertain. i am not quite twenty. hm. i am reading the fifth harry potter book for the second time. my dad is watching the second lord of the rings movie very loudly, and i can hear it very clearly from here - the other end of the house. i am becoming so very comfortable being me. living the way i do. i am happy most of the time. i am healthy even more of the time. i have money, friends and family who love me, the use of a car, an awesome job, good books, and lots of inspiration. i just don't happen to write much anymore. i also dont exactly have a love life worth mentioning. no mountaining mole hills though. i keep breathing beautiful air and smiling at beautiful people. the world seems to like me these days. hm.

silentfever @ 2007-06-17T09:30:00

2007-06-17T16:39:05Z

I'm too warm right now. i woke up painfully hot. the time on the clock was 9:11. made me laugh. I was going to go horseback riding today but my instructor called and rescheduled to later in the week.

i want to make pancakes this morning. and start the puzzle i bought yesterday for 50cents at the Nu-To-Yu, our awesome thrift store. and i want to watch a movie and drink coffee...and have a beautiful lazy morning. i'm tired tired. i got plenty of sleep, nineish hours. i bought an mp3 player yesterday - the cheapest one they had, $50. for work - i work on a job site labouring. my body is tired tired. and it hurts all the time. but my tummy is getting smaller and my abs are getting stronger. i think i'm getting happier.

i'm going to make my pancakes and listen to happy beautiful music, like the lion king or alice and wonderland. i wish hugs and happiness

ah tonight.

2007-06-05T05:42:23Z

Beautiful. A hard working day in the rain. working on snagging myself one of the most beautiful men on the island. blond hair, blue eyes, buff body, really really not usually my type, honestly! But, he's also got a brain and..well, an interest in me. wow, that doesn't actually sound all that good. but that's alright, he's beautiful, he lives on his sailboat, he's a carpenter, he's not a stoner, he's not obnoxious, and...yeah, ill say it again, he likes me. *happy dance x 10* anyway. i got a new job. im labouring on a job site, working outside all day, in the sun, and toning my body at the same time! heh heh. what a life eh. oh, and the job site im working on is right on the water, a beach on either side. im a happy camper these days. tired as hell. but happy. goodnight...sweet prince. hm.

today

2007-01-28T07:03:36Z

i love today. it is full of tissues and coughs and horrible head pains. but today is also full of a beautiful magic that cannot be expressed properly in words. the beautiful silence of romance in an anonymous life. there is no thing better in this world. i am so happy. right now. :)

So This Is Christmas

2006-12-25T23:51:27Z

Merry Christmas.
I am happy. I've found my head space. I just need to go to victoria every week or two and dance my ass off and i'll be alright...

there is a remarkable beauty about this stupid stupid cold winter strucken island that is somehow a part of me. i went down to the swimming hole today. and i saw the most grand looking blue heron shrugging his shoulders. he must have come up to my waist, and his head was at least seven or eight inches long. majestic. i know every inch of this island. i know all the people. all the houses. all the bends in the road. all the potholes. i know who's with who. who used to be with who. i know this island. and it's a very strange island. i hate it for it's isolation from humanity and from sanity. but i love it for what it is. beautiful and constant and home. today is one of the happiest days of the year for a lot of people. celebrate. and be merry.
happy christmas.
xoxo

my life now

2006-12-21T07:26:29Z

my life is now...on pender again...
i am bored and almost friendless on this island. i know that i'm only here until i have enough money to leave again..but that seems so far away and i miss being anywhere else. i cant stand the thought of being here for six or seven months..it drives me crazy!..i am really really alone here. i don't really have a really good friend to talk to or hang out with. i am totally alone, except for the hour or so that i get to talk to lee every couple three days. and when we talk on the phone it's nothing like talking in person. but even then, he's still lee, he's still a boy who can't be a best friend to talk to like other girls are. i dont have a best friend...and it really kind of sucks. and the fact that i'm not really apart of any group of friends on the island...or anywhere else for that matter..also sucks because i'm left out of a lot of stuff..left out of a lot of friendship that i would like to be apart of...

i need to figure out how i'm going to survive on this island in this life for as long as i have to.

i have a full time job. i have free room and board. i have a car at my disposal...and i'm not too fucking happy. go figure. i was happier in new zealand, broke as a mother fucker but around heaps of people and having a good time...

i'm going insane..and hating it...

but i keep smiling all day long....

hot chocolate and cigarettes

2006-11-30T00:57:20Z

i dreamt that i was back home last night...or actually this morning..i was talking to somebody, then i saw kyle standing outside, so i ran out and gave him a hug and he was pudgy like he used to be. it was funny. then i was at home and i went to the toilet and it was all different. it wasn't my house..they had renivated the whole place and i started to bawl my eyes out in the dream and i woke my self up and i was actually crying. i spent the entire morning on the couch watching tv, drinking hot chocolate and smoking cigarettes. i jumped in the shower just as lee drove up - home for lunch. i cried all morning. i just...i'm just really really going to miss new zealand. and i'll really miss lee. and i'll really miss lu and gemma and gran and grandad al and ben and steve and greg and even lisa. for god's sake...

i am really looking forward to seeing everyone at home too. my mind is just stuck on this side of the world right now. i really miss you all and i cant wait to have horrendously long talks with all of you. it'll be amazing to see how all of you have changed. i can't really tell how much i've changed, but i'm sure i have, and i hope you all still like me ;).

i think i'm going to be home a week today. 6 dec 2006. by the end of the year i will have spent less than a month of 2006 in canada. crazy.

i truly can't wait to see you all...
i wish you could understand what it's like to be so ridiculously attatched to a foreign country as if it's your own. i have family and friends over here and i want to own a house here one day. i need to start thinking forward, properly. thinking about the fact that in two weeks time i could be having coffee with kayla and willow and dani and tina and caitlin. how wonderful is that. there's no point dwelling on something you can't change, just do it. like ripping off a bandaid. the faster you do it, the less it hurts.

i love you all, i'll see you in just over a week.

silentfever @ 2006-06-20T14:26:00

2006-06-20T02:30:23Z

You look at me
your angel eyes
you laugh at me
you symapthyze
forever lost inside my mind
beneath you lips
there's no disguise
no level thoughts to cradle you
no where to hide
not much to do
and after all there's only trance
to keep us sane
without a chance
to keep our minds from dying out
we cannot scream
we shall not shout
if only we could give up fear
and live up in the stratosphere
protecting fools
on little strings
like puppets
unlike anything
and after all there's only trance
we're all that's left
our mindless rants...

a year and four days.

2005-09-27T23:22:52Z

a beautiful day
today is that last final breath
of honey-scented,
pumkin coloured
glass face girl
i never knew her middle name
i can't tell you
who her dad is
she's just as beautiful as me
and just as blind
oh man
she's blind
there's no one as scared
or fucked in the mind
she's naked
and aware
scared
her shadow's not behind
she thrashes and tramples
and fucks up all the time
but she's beautiful inside
that's what i was told
and that's what i saw
i then felt and clawed at it
until she was mine
fuck
she was mine
and i fucked her up good
nothing's good about me
except
maybe
my jupiter eyes
or my irish insides
my heart's a mess
and i cant see through the mirror
that shit piece of glass
piss off the grey mass
justify my life
i wish i had loved her
she cared more
cried more
i tasted her pain
but her insides were hers
i left them alone
except when she heard me
and wanted me there
i bit off her lip
i told her goodbye
she cried more
i lied
i told her i loved her
i don't really care
she was going to be fine
the train would be safe
i pushed her away
she fell on her knees and she bled
through her tights
her white tights were red
she left
put her hand to the window and cried more

silentfever @ 2004-09-23T12:45:00

2004-09-23T19:32:33Z

*dance*
*die*

he's going away.

2004-08-31T05:15:33Z

i feel sick. i'm going to cry. i'm scared for him. i hate this. fuck.

i remembered.

2004-08-11T07:34:26Z

i'm sorry.

divinity at its greatest

2004-08-05T23:23:24Z

i am in one of the most amazing places right now. i feel this wonderful pure love for everything. it's euphoric. i'm not on anything. i haven't done anything. everything is just. good. it makes me so happy to know that everything happens for a good reason. i love believing that everything is a planned coincidence. every thing is good and life is beautiful. i love having a smile on my face and a beautiful beat in my chest. happiness is just a fish. and it's wonderful. :) love and cuddlez to everyone. salut.

butterfly tears

2004-08-04T19:42:34Z

the haunted smoke inside my heart
it blackens thickens rips apart
inside the soul the children die
and no one's here to wonder why

no one knows the pain they felt
as all their prayers were never knelt
they never saw salvation's face
they never knew the purest grace

the sky will swallow bodies whole
the stars will come and steal your soul
the faeries take your breath away
the pharos dance away your pain

without a tangible listless boy
the mountains teach a different joy
the cosmic lives of star and psi
will echo truth until they die

stumble

2004-08-02T05:29:57Z

i feel like smoke throughout time like millions and millions or eons and more. i'm surrounding and intertwined with quarks and strings and i feel energy increasing throughout my body. i feel empowered from inside myself. i feel happy. and whole. i love the feeling that a smile leaves on your face. keep smiling and you will feel better. be beautiful. i promis.e

cake or pie?

2004-07-20T17:11:23Z

as if the petals fell through heaven locking lips and dying souls. as if the lies that satan fed us drove us to eternal goals. as if the night was painting pictures tying in the secret pain. as if the blood that kept us breathing never left or came again. as if the poison filled the attic burning charring children's skin. as if the last of us will tell you all the secrets lie within. all the twisted muddled fucked up loss of love or pain or fear. nothing's good to see or carry no one's coming no one's near. no one chased the little rabbit through or down that little hole. no one here can even think of breaking up their perfect roles..

silentfever @ 2004-06-09T23:09:00

2004-06-10T16:10:30Z

i'm going to do everything this year.i'm going to make my life and my self image and EVERYTHING so so so much better!! i'm excited for that.

still standing.

2004-06-01T00:49:22Z

so where am i now?

asteroid.

2004-05-27T01:03:10Z

my mind doesn't work is poetic ways. it seems to break. to suffocate. it seems to choke but never die. i never see the sky. i shouldn't care. i don't know why. i never even liked to fly. i never loved the cosmic sun or shooting stars. i never wanted etheral love or flattened metals. stealing doves. stealing eyes from stranger boys or stealing looks or stealing toys. maybe losing peace of mind. insanity is often found. or justice in a little bag or curses/liars. i don't care. maybe life will bever be. maybe you are more like me. maybe there won't be an answer look around. there's nothing there. they shouldn't fear the cushion clouds or astro-nothing's left the ground or maybe we should all forget . i'm left to light my cigarettes and slowly smoke my life away as if i cared. so long. good day.

silentfever @ 2004-05-26T17:56:00

2004-05-27T00:57:07Z

i'm sorry i left the last to die. the children scream i'm left to lie. i should pretend that nothing's changed but nothing's left it's all the same. the last of smiles of broken hearts i cannot see they left the dark. i'm not a liar. i show my sins. i wear my masks, you can't see in. i cannot hold your icy hands to start to love another land. another life i've started here i have to leave i have no fear. to break a mind to share his soul i cannot bind him to his role. he will not be as just my oen. as on display. the last one shown. he's not a trophey that i will win he's just a boy, a hasn't been. if i could learn to love the sea and live with mermaids openly. i wouldn't lie. or even care. i wouldn't dance with ladies fair. i would only love my everyone. i wouldn't leave a task undone. i'd carry beauty everyday, and put it down along the way.